


What Really Matters

by Writinginstardust



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, angsty confessions, bit of angst, bit of love confession, jealous nikolai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 09:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21134300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: 5 years ago you left Ravka and the Prince you were in love with. Now, he's shown up in Ketterdam and flipped your life on it's head again.





	What Really Matters

Neither of them could have predicted this meeting. When (Y/N)'s family moved to Ketterdam 5 years ago, she thought she'd never see Nikolai again. But here he was. Standing right in front of her. She'd recognise his tailored persona anywhere. He'd recognise her anywhere too. You didn't forget the face of your first love, no matter the time or distance.

(Y/N) watched his puzzled expression as he tried to figure out how his old friend had ended up running with Kaz Brekker's crowd. How she'd ended up being so...close to him. His brow creased in a frown, unhappy about something. (Y/N) had no idea what.

Nikolai watched both Kaz and (Y/N) closely during their meeting, trying to figure out what was between them. He didn’t want to say he was jealous of how close they seemed to be but he couldn’t deny it to himself. There was nothing there of course. If Nikolai had bothered to really think about it logically, consider who they both were, he would have realised the notion that they might be together was utterly ridiculous. Unfortunately logic tends to fly out the window when you finally see the girl you’ve been in love with for years again. When you’ve never stopped loving her no matter how much you’ve tried to convince yourself otherwise. And when that girl comes back into your life with one of the most powerful men in the barrel? Well, it’s hard to see it another way.

They needed to talk. It was driving Nikolai mad to be in the same room as her again with all these pent up feelings and no way to let them out. Little did he know, it was torture for (Y/N) as well. She’d been in love with him almost since the first day they met when her family had moved into the palace for her father’s job when she was only 9. It had broken her heart to leave him behind and move to Ketterdam. There was no way she’d have ever gotten what she wished for even if they’d stayed in Os Alta but she’d still allowed herself to hold on to a fool's hope while they lived there. When they moved that hope was obliterated.

Maybe it was for the best, she’d thought. Maybe she could move on with some distance between them. But it had never truly worked. No matter how much she’d tried to forget him, he was always there. She couldn’t stop loving that sun-kissed, golden-haired boy who’d been the first person who’d ever made her feel welcome. Who’d cared and made her realise what it felt like to be home at last. Nikolai was the one who’d taught her what it was to love. And then he was the one who’d made her understand heartbreak.

She thought she’d never see him again and when things went bad and her parents died she’d ended up with the dregs, with a new group of friends. People she’d never dreamed she could care about so much but did anyway. She so nearly managed to move on. After all, there was nothing left of her old life to hold onto. And now Nikolai had crashed back into her life and brought her right back to square one. She wanted to hate him for it, knowing just how much it was going to hurt when he left again, but she couldn’t. Just seeing his face had her heart stuttering and she had to hold herself back from throwing herself straight into his arms.

Finally, hours later, they had time alone. Nikolai’s room was dim when she showed up later that evening, lit only by a single candle that cast shadows across his face and warmed his skin. No words came as they faced each other in the doorway for several long moments and Nikolai finally moved to let her in. Hands brushed as she walked past and lightning seemed to crackle between them. 

The silence dragged on. And what even was there that could break it? It had been 5 years and they’d both been in love, whether the other knew it enough. They couldn’t just say hello like they’d seen each other yesterday. But what was the alternative?

“What are you doing here?” Nikolai finally asked.

“I live here. You know that.”

“I mean, what are you doing in a  _ gang _ ?” She realised then that he had no idea.

“My parents are dead and they lost all our money. I had nowhere else to go so the Dregs took me in. Controlling fire is a useful skill for them.”

“When…?”

“They died 3 years ago.”

“I’m so sorry.” She just shrugged. She’d been sad, of course, but her mother and father had never cared about her all that much. It didn’t hurt as much as losing Nikolai had. 

“It’s fine. I have a new family now.” Nikolai’s mood soured a bit at that.

“You mean Brekker.”

“And Jesper and Inej and Nina and-”

“So what’s going on there?” Now the subject was broached, he needed to know. He tried to keep his jealousy in check but didn’t do a good job at it and (Y/N) noticed. Irritation rose up in her.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but there’s nothing between us.”

“Oh really? No one else is that  _ close _ to him.” His voice raised slightly as (Y/N)’s irritation called up his own.

“Like I said. It’s not your business.” She was angry and hurt. He had no right to question her and her choices when they hadn’t spoken in 5 years. Especially when she’d only ever loved one person and thought she’d been obvious enough for him to realise. He himself had definitely not waited around, heartbroken and wishing for someone he couldn’t have, if what she’d heard was true. “And you’ve got some nerve coming here after all this time, disrupting my entire life and having a problem with who I may or may not be seeing. I don’t care if you’re my King, you don’t get to do that to me.”

“It  _ is _ my business when my friend is seeing criminals!”

“I already told you I’m not!” She yelled. “Why the fuck does it matter anyway!? I haven’t seen you in 5 years. I’m probably not going to see you again after this. I have my life and you have yours and they’ve got nothing to do with each other so Why. Does. It. Matter?” The candle on the nightstand was flickering violently by the time she was done, the flame huge and threatening to set fire to the wall where her power had latched onto it in her outburst. With deep breaths, she worked to calm her hurt and rage and shrink the flame. Nikolai wasn’t replying though, his face screwed up in frustration as the battle over what to say raged inside him. The flame jumped at her irritation from his silence.

“Tell me why it matters so fucking much or don’t bother talking to me again. Tell me!” Nikolai exploded.

“Because I fucking love you!” He shouted. “Because I’ve been in love with you for years, and it is torture to think about you being with someone else. Because-”

(Y/N) couldn’t care less about what else he had to say. Only one thing mattered. He loved her. Grabbing the back of his neck, she pulled him into a searing kiss. Tears were falling and Nikolai was surprised at the action but didn’t hesitate to kiss back. It was desperate and raw, hands gripping each other fiercely, mouths pressing hard enough it was almost painful. Years worth of repressed feelings and longing rushed out at once and the sheer force of it could topple cities.

“I love you too, you asshole,” (Y/N) gasped as she pulled away for breath, barely getting the words out before Nikolai’s lips were on hers again and she was consumed by the heat and desperation in it. He seemed hellbent on making up for lost time tonight and (Y/N) was more than happy to go along with it, giving as good as she was getting and only breaking contact to tear clothes off and gasp out his name. They’d have to discuss this at some point. Nothing would ever be the same again after this. Everything was going to change. She wasn’t sure exactly what it meant just yet but it didn’t matter. There was no going back now. And she didn’t want to anyway.


End file.
